So long....for now.

As promised, I said I would write after today's procedure just to include this important piece of the journey. There's not much to say, other than it was an easy and painless (well I was asleep so of course it was!) process. Things went just as they should and I feel physcially fine now. After we got home from the hospital, I slept for about 3 hours and now I'm enjoying watching the snow come down and seeing the pups play in it like they are little kids.

I have felt God's comforting arms throughout this week and what a wonderful feeling that has been.

I am going to include a poem that a dear friend sent me, one that really comforted me and I believe helped me begin the healing process as I thought about things from this perspective.

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Time has taken me from you,
Although not very far.
I'll be watching through the sunshine
And through the brightest star.

I'll be watching all of you,
From the heavens up above.
So take good care of each other
And carry all my love.

If you're ever wondering
If I'm there, here's where you can start.
Take a look inside yourself
Deep within your heart.

_Author Unknown

I know I'll be back here some day writing about baby Conway #2. Until that day, please feel free to keep in touch on my original blog. I have truly appreciated each and every one of you and look forward to all of your journeys in 2010.

ETA

I'm posting from my phone and can't edit my last post from here. After going back and reading, I realize I should have thanked GOD first for being by my side and bringing comfort. I have several verses, poems, quotes that people have sent me, and those have brought me great comfort as well. I will be posting those at some point because they are already a huge part of the healing process.

Also, I am FLOORED by the sweet and amazing comments you all have left. Many of you have probably never read my blog before and I am so touched that you would come here and offer prayers and support. Again, proof that God is working in my life and so many others. Thank you, all you sweet, sweet ladies.

God bless.

Baby Conway

I made a rash decision and "deleted" this blog yesterday, but then I realized that really wasn't fair to baby Conway. He/she still existed, still lived, still had a heartbeat at one time. I can't just erase all of that.

So I will post a few more updates here and stay positive that one day I'll be writing about baby Conway #2.

To recap yesterday, I honestly had a bad feeling from the moment the u/s started. I knew she had to look at ovaries and cervix and all before peeking at baby C, but I still just somehow knew. As soon as we saw that little blueberry on the screen, I knew he/she had not grown. She measured quickly and 6w1d popped up on the screen but she quickly got rid of it. Then she tried to find the hb and there was nothing. She said, I'm going to let you talk to the doctor today and I knew. I already knew at that point, but hearing those words was when reality set in. She quietly left the room and I fell into Jason's arms. I said "it's not good" and of course he tried to remain positive. By the time we got back to the room to wait for the doctor, I was inconsolable. Jason just kept rubbing my back and hugging me and was such a rock for me.

The doctor came in and said "I'm so sorry" and made it official. She discussed our options and at the time, I opted to take a prescription to start the process and told her I wanted it to happen naturally and would wait until next week to consider a D&C.

We got home and made calls (well Jason made all the calls) and continued to console me, getting me comfort food, my prescriptions, and just doing whatever needed to be done.

Last night around 8, the pain started. It was the most intense cramping I have ever had (even with my severe cramps due to endo) and the pain was radiating through my stomach and back. The doc had given me pain meds and told me I could take with 800mg Ibuprofen, but even a dose of Loritab and that wasn't helping. It was excruciating and to top it off, nothing was really happening. I took another pain pill and ended up getting a pretty good night's sleep, but still nothing has happened other than a little bleeding.

All of that combined has changed my mind, and I know now I can't wait it out. I admire those that do and have. I just can't continue to play this waiting game. Today, I feel completely fine, completely pregnant, and honestly like nothing is happening or nothing is wrong. I need to move on. I have a D&C scheduled for Friday morning and I think it's what I need to start the healing/grieving process.

My friends, co-workers, family, & blog friends have been absolutely wonderful and so supportive in these last 24+ hours. I feel so incredibly blessed to have them all in my life and can't imagine how I would have gotten through this without all of them and of course my incredible husband.

I will probably post an update on Friday to close this chapter of the book. But like I said, I have no doubt there will be a part II.

Where have you been all my life? (Or at least the last few years....)

I wish I had known about the BeBand way before I got pregnant. My weight has fluctuated up and down for the past 4 or 5 years as I go in phases of very healthy eating/exercise kicks vs. not doing a dang thing. I have gone through so many pair of pants, finally throwing away all of my "big" pants because I swore I would never need to wear them again. However, as we started our transition to TN my weight starting creeping back up (most of it happy weight!) but we were eating out A LOT because of lack of routine and all of the changes. Needless to say, I was getting closer and closer to needing those big girl pants even before I found out we were expecting. Add this incredible bloat and I was rotating between 2 pairs of pants every week. That was getting a little old.

So....I'm happy to report that I'm much more comfortable now that I've added the BeBand to my wardrobe. I feel like I have about 10 new pair of pants that I can pull out again and hopefully make them work until spring/summer when I can wear more dresses. I had read mixed reviews of the Band, and I am definitely one of the happy ones!

In other news, my doctor's office called me on Monday and they want me to come back in next Monday for another u/s. They assured me this was completely normal and they are only doing to try to get an accurate due date since my dates were quite different based on LMP. I still have a slight concern, but for the most part I am very relaxed and overall very happy that the doctor's office is being so attentive.

I'll be sure to report on Monday and may even have a picture of the little blueberry to add!

1st U/S

I am a mess. A big fat mess and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I thought I was around 7 1/2 weeks based on LMP, but then wasn't sure b/c of a very light last period. The doctor wanted to do an u/s today to measure and the baby is measuring right at 6 weeks, with a heart rate of 86 bpm. I need to STEP AWAY from the internet, but there is not much positive out there about a heart rate below 90.

I know it's very early and I need to try not to panic, but I'm not doing a very good job of it.

The tech couldn't really say much, so I need to call my doctor back and see what her thoughts are since she wasn't in there.

I really don't know what else to say....I'm just a ball of raging emotions right now.

ETA: It's amazing what talking to your doc or nurse can do for you!

The nurse said I was measuring 5 wk 6 days and a hb of 86 is perfect at that point and everything looks just like they would want it to. She was so reassuring. I told her the internet is a dangerous thing and she laughed and said it definitely was.

When I looked back at all of my dates (LMP, probable O date, etc.) 5 wk 6 days makes perfect sense. I am not a 28 day girl so I should have known better than to base it all on LMP.

I feel so much better...and lesson learned....step away from the internet from time to time!

It's official!

Not that I didn't feel like it was, but something about the doctor's office telling you that you're pregnant certainly makes it seem a little more real. It's funny though, they confirmed it by dropping my urine onto what looked like a Dollar General HPT. Heck, that could have been what it was for all I know. Either way, it's good to know that it's still positive after these 3 weeks since I last tested.

I really liked the doctor (was a little nervous b/c I was only going of recommendations and I typically feel more comfortable with a male doctor) and liked the practice. She sees no reason I wouldn't be able to deliver vaginally (I had heard with uterine surgery some doctors tell you a c-section is probably going to happen) so that makes me happy that I will at least be able to attempt it.

I will be going back for an u/s on Friday morning to confirm the dates, but she said it feels like I'm around 7 weeks and everything is progressing as it should be. I'm so excited for Friday!

Then I will return at 12 weeks for bloodwork and all that other fun stuff. Today's appointment was pretty uneventful, but at least I got to meet the doctor and I know I like her.

Thanks for all of the positive words and support. You ladies rock!

1st Appointment Tomorrow

Tomorrow is our first appointment and I sure hope we get to see the little blueberry. I know each doctor is different so I'm not getting my hopes up, but it sure would be an awesome treat if we did! I've heard if you act like you have no idea when your last period was, they will give you an ultrasound to measure....but I don't know if I can "fake" it. :-)

I'll be sure to give y'all a full report tomorrow....if there is anything exciting to post about!

Have a great week!

I feel really good....

But I think I may fall asleep sitting at my desk. I have caught myself doing the head bob several times today at the office.

It's ok, though. I'll take whatever baby Conway wants to dish out!

In the beginning....

I've decided to keep a diary of sorts on the developments in the life of baby Conway. I started my other blog for our life as newlyweds, and I do want to continue to post there about the things going on in our lives and not make it completely a baby blog. We'll see how long that lasts! :-) However, I do want to chronicle what's going on with baby C so I'm going to attempt to do that here.

If you're reading this, you probably know how we got here, but it's such a big part of our journey that I feel the need to do a little recap and in a little more detail than I've gone into in the past. Bear with me, this one may be long.

J and I thought we would be one of those couples who had absolutely no trouble conceiving, so we decided to wait at least a year before starting to start our little family. We got married when I was 30 and he was 32, so it seemed like we had plenty of time just in case it didn't happen right away. Turns out, God had other plans for us.

Month after month turned into a year and then a year and a half when we decided it was time to take action. I went to an RE in the summer of 2009 who suspected I had endo and fibroids which could be leading to our trouble conceiving. I had surgery and the endo and fibroids were removed and Dr. Wilshire said if we were going to conceive naturally, the chances would be best in the next 3-4 months. If it didn't work out by then, he suggested we should move on to IUI. In the midst of that 3-4 month period, I was relocated to TN with a new job and we put TTC on the back burner (at least as a priority) while we moved and got settled. We made a deal to revisit with the RE at the first of the year if nothing had happened.

December came and almost went and I think J and I both started to think maybe a baby wasn't in the cards for us. I have absolutely NOTHING against medical intervention in getting pregnant, but something in my gut was telling me it wasn't the way for us. I was pretty set on it happening naturally, and if it didn't, I figured we were meant to be that couple that had the two dogs and traveled when we wanted, did what we wanted, etc. We had also talked briefly about adoption after watching some close friends of ours go through it, but again, didn't know if that was the direction for us.

I prayed about this daily and acknowledged that I was trusting in His plan for us, but hoping we would get some answers soon, as our timeline was nearing the end. That answer came on December 23, 2009.

J and I traveled to Missouri to be with his family for Christmas (we rotate between MO and SC each year). I felt fine and just like every other month, except I did think my breast pain was a little different than my typical cycle soreness. My period was set to arrive anytime between Sunday and Tuesday (we left on Tuesday) so by Wednesday I started thinking something may be up, but refused to get my hopes up for the 24th or so time. We had to go to Wal-Mart Wednesday night and I casually mentioned I wanted to buy a test (or 3). I think J was probably thinking "here we go again" (I have been through A LOT of tests over the last two years) and was just humoring me.

We got back to his parents house that evening and even though we had decided I would wait until Thursday morning to test (you know, 1st morning urine and all that jazz), as soon I got downstairs where we staying I couldn't wait to whip that thing out. I pretty much have no self control at times. :-)

Almost IMMEDIATELY, the line started appearing. First double line I had ever seen and I couldn't believe my eyes. J was upstairs playing the Wii with our nephew so I texted him and asked that he come downstairs. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity I realized he probably didn't have his phone, so I calmly walked upstairs and ask that he come down.

I showed him and he was pretty much speechless. He had just fixed a cocktail and took a big sip and then pulled out the test instructions to make sure we were reading the results correctly. Of course, during all of this, I was crying and shaking and laughing. As I am a terrible liar, we decided that we would go ahead and share the news with the family because it was written all over our faces.

They were all thrilled, although I think my father-in-law was a bit confused at first. When J told him we were pregnant, he asked who was pregnant and looked at my mother-in-law. I think he had a mild panic attack. :-) We then proceeded to call my family in SC who were also thrilled. I don't know that I've ever heard my mom scream so loud. My brother has 3 kids, but I am the only daughter so I think it's a little different for her.

We are now back in TN and trying to get used to the idea. We have our first appointment on Jan. 11 and I am anxiously awaiting that day to make sure all is going according to plan. I feel really good, other than extrememly sore boobs. I have no food aversions, but honestly nothing tastes all that great other than Chef Wang's Chinese buffett. That is NOT a habit I want to get into.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening and I promise the others won't be anywhere this long. I am so glad to have you along for our journey and will probably be asking for lots of advice from you mamas out there!

Hope you have a great rest of the weekend and happy 2010!