Baby Conway

I made a rash decision and "deleted" this blog yesterday, but then I realized that really wasn't fair to baby Conway. He/she still existed, still lived, still had a heartbeat at one time. I can't just erase all of that.

So I will post a few more updates here and stay positive that one day I'll be writing about baby Conway #2.

To recap yesterday, I honestly had a bad feeling from the moment the u/s started. I knew she had to look at ovaries and cervix and all before peeking at baby C, but I still just somehow knew. As soon as we saw that little blueberry on the screen, I knew he/she had not grown. She measured quickly and 6w1d popped up on the screen but she quickly got rid of it. Then she tried to find the hb and there was nothing. She said, I'm going to let you talk to the doctor today and I knew. I already knew at that point, but hearing those words was when reality set in. She quietly left the room and I fell into Jason's arms. I said "it's not good" and of course he tried to remain positive. By the time we got back to the room to wait for the doctor, I was inconsolable. Jason just kept rubbing my back and hugging me and was such a rock for me.

The doctor came in and said "I'm so sorry" and made it official. She discussed our options and at the time, I opted to take a prescription to start the process and told her I wanted it to happen naturally and would wait until next week to consider a D&C.

We got home and made calls (well Jason made all the calls) and continued to console me, getting me comfort food, my prescriptions, and just doing whatever needed to be done.

Last night around 8, the pain started. It was the most intense cramping I have ever had (even with my severe cramps due to endo) and the pain was radiating through my stomach and back. The doc had given me pain meds and told me I could take with 800mg Ibuprofen, but even a dose of Loritab and that wasn't helping. It was excruciating and to top it off, nothing was really happening. I took another pain pill and ended up getting a pretty good night's sleep, but still nothing has happened other than a little bleeding.

All of that combined has changed my mind, and I know now I can't wait it out. I admire those that do and have. I just can't continue to play this waiting game. Today, I feel completely fine, completely pregnant, and honestly like nothing is happening or nothing is wrong. I need to move on. I have a D&C scheduled for Friday morning and I think it's what I need to start the healing/grieving process.

My friends, co-workers, family, & blog friends have been absolutely wonderful and so supportive in these last 24+ hours. I feel so incredibly blessed to have them all in my life and can't imagine how I would have gotten through this without all of them and of course my incredible husband.

I will probably post an update on Friday to close this chapter of the book. But like I said, I have no doubt there will be a part II.